Greetings friends! I know it's been a while, but please bear with me as I update you on our family happenings!

But for now...

Today I say goodbye to my twenties and HELLO to my thirties! It's pretty crazy to me to think about the fact that my twenties are done and over with and I am on to the next decade of my life. In fact, if you've spoken to me over the past six weeks or so, you would know that I was dreading this day! However, as the actual day approached, I started thinking about all of the amazing things that happened in my twenties and began to realize that my thirties are a new opportunity; an opportunity to write a new chapter in this book of life and I am so ready to take it on!

To kick start this new decade of my life, I decided to create a "bucket list" of sorts for my thirtieth year of life. My goal is to accomplish all of these things during the next 365 days and I plan to document my journey! Don't worry, I promise to post more than that (see #6) and can't wait to share with you what God is working on in our lives! Until then...

Thirty Things I Want to Accomplish in my Thirtieth Year of Life:
#1: Run a half marathon in 3 hours or less. (Nashville time was 3:08)
#2: Run three half marathons in 3 different states.
#3: Become a Nationally Board Certified teacher
#4: Mentor a student teacher
#5: Get my first tattoo
#6: Start blogging again :)
#7: Be active as a ministry coordinator at church with Joe
#8: Go kayaking
#9: Take my cheer team to state
#10: Visit Waco, TX and Magnolia Farms
#11: Get better at golfing and/or not get frustrated when golfing!
#12: Go hiking as a family
#13: Enjoy cooking more
#14: Less social media time!
#15: Drink more water and less Diet Coke
#16: Use my nice camera more/take more pictures
#17: Teach Colton something new
#18: Go parasailing
#19: Give back to the Children's Hospital of Illinois
#20: Go to a Cubs game (or 5)
#21: Read the entire Harry Potter series
#22: Go to Vegas
#23: More carrots, less donuts!
#24: Build a sandcastle on the beach
#25: Finish an entire TV series on Netflix
#26: Paint master bedroom
#27: Daily quiet time
#28: Go on a spontaneous road trip
#29: Stop trying to please everyone
#30: Feel more comfortable in my own skin

There ya have it, friends! Can't wait to share my journey with y'all! Here's to a fabulous year and an even more fabulous decade ahead of me!
T :)

My broken heart...

October 22, 2015

Psalm 107: 28-30 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven. 

What a whirlwind the past 48 hours have been! Joe and I are finally at a point where we can update you all on Colton. 

Colton's surgery was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon at 12 noon. We spent the entire morning cuddling and watching movies, because we had to stop feeding him at 2am so we had a very fussy baby. His IV started leaking so we had to re poke him when he was hangry! Surgery came down at 11 to get him and it all happened really fast. We walked down to the surgical floor and Joe and I are were able to go back to the pre-op room with him. We held him and cuddled him all the way up until they were ready to take him back. I rocked him and we talked to him. We cried a lot but Colton was content! 

Surgery started around 12:05 and was done by 3:30! The doctors were really pleased with the repair and said he came off of bypass really well. They brought him up to PICU and we were able to see him shortly after. I felt like I was prepared to see him, as I looked at many pictures of heart babies after surgery so I felt like I knew what to expect, but honestly, nothing prepares you to see your baby in that state. He was puffy and hooked up to  tons of IVs and machines, but we were assured it was all normal. We kissed his hand and told him how brave he was and we went to watch the Cubs game in the waiting room. 

The doctors told us that the first 24 hours after surgery would be the hardest, as this would be the time that Colton would tell us if he was able to tolerate the stress of surgery. We felt prepared for what was to come. 

At about 10:15 or so on Tuesday night, Joe and I had settled in his room and prepared for little to no sleep but we wanted to be as close to him as possible. There were lots of nurses in and out of his room, but we knew that was to be expected. But at about 10:45, things definitely started picking up and there was lots of discussion about blood pressure, oxygen levels, and heart rate. One of the cardiologists ordered an Echo and immediately saw some concerns with the fill of his heart. With his low blood pressure and low O2 levels, the cardiologist was concerned and placed a call to Coltons surgeons. Coltons surgeons agreed that something wasn't right and drove to the hospital immediately. 

It was determined that Colton would like need to be put on a bypass machine to help his heart take off some of the load so it could heal. It was a very fast and scary process but the doctors successfully placed the machine on Coltons body. They assured us that this was best for him and that in 24-48 hours, we would have a better idea of what Coltons heart would do. 

Joe and I attempted to sleep, but it was nearly impossible. The next morning at rounds, the surgeons once again said they were happy with the decision to place him on the machine, but were confident with the TOF repair. We left to go to get some sleep at the Family House. We lasted about 5 hours before we were itching to get back! When we returned, they told us he had a great day and were very pleased! We stayed to watch the cubs game with Colton, but after the 2nd inning, it was too painful so we decided Colton didn't need to hear that! :) 

The plan for Thursday was to have an echo first thing in the morning and if all looked good, he would start the process of taking him off the bypass machine. We asked all of you to once again cover him with prayer, and we specifically asked God to let Colton come off the machine when his heart was ready. 

When we arrive back to the hospital this morning, we were cautiously optimistic as they began the echo.  They turned off the machine and watched his heart work. But as they were looking, they noticed that his heart was still a little weaker than they wanted. However, the surgeon and the cardiologist said how impressed they were with how much better his heart was functioning. They said he would do well off of it, but since he had only been on one day, they wanted to give him one more day to rest up. His swelling has gone down significantly and he's starting to look more and more like our little man! 

So we once again wait. God works like that...or at least he has throughout this whole process. We had to wait for God to lead us to adoption after trying for 2 years, we had to wait to be chosen by LITERALLY the perfect birth mom, we had to wait for the surgery to fix him, and now we wait for him to tell us when he's ready. So friends, as you think about why God is making you wait, I encourage you to pray that God helps to give you a sense of peace that only He can provide. I want more than anything to see my baby's eyes and hear his coo, but I know that Gods perfect plan is working and while it's not what I want or on my timing, it's perfect nonetheless. 

I want to share with you the entire reason i wrote this post. I've written about it before and I know I will write about it again but prayer is such a powerful tool and over the past 24-36 hours I have seen it work in amazing ways. On Tuesday literally hundreds of people lifted Colton in prayer and I know that's why his surgery was so successful! Our youth pastor brought Colton a "Prayer Puppy" on Tuesday to help him know just how many people were praying for him. Later that night as we navigated the unfamiliar territory of placing him on bypass, I begged God not to take my baby from me. As we entered back into his room after the surgeons finished with putting him on the bypass machine, his Prayer Puppy was under his arm. Out of all of the wires and new tubes, that was what stood out. Our nurse said "I saw it sitting over on the chair and just felt that he needed it with him." She had no idea what it was or why it was there, but God did. So since Tuesday night, Colton has not let go of his Prayer Puppy. So as you pray, continue to think about how close that puppy is to his heart. Prayer works guys, keep praying and keep having faith that Colton will be back to himself sooner rather than later! We know that God hand picked this baby for our family, and that none of this is a surprise to Him. 

So will you please pray with us today that Coltons heart will rest today and be ready to come off ECMO tomorrow? Will you pray for guidance for the surgeons and for healing of his body as he weans off medicine and begins to wake up in the coming days? 

The Shield of Faith

August 29, 2015

On August 30, Joe and I were asked to share about the Shield of Faith and how we used it to help us along our adoption road. Little did we know that we would be in South Carolina during that sermon. I felt that God wanted me to share this with our church family, even when we weren't there. So many raw emotions.

This week Pastor Kevin asked us to share about how the Shield of Faith has shaped our journey to meet our son. 

It's ironic that God blessed us with Colton on Friday morning and that we are with him today instead of being with you all. There was a plan, you know? Induction Tuesday...time to prepare at home...yeah God works that way sometimes. 

We felt that God still wanted us to share our story and how the Shield of Faith brought us to this very moment. 

Ephesians 6:16 says:In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

God asks us to have faith and carry it with us at all times, because without it we are susceptible to doubt, deception, and defeat. 

Over the past two and a half years we have experienced all of the above as we prayed night after night, day after day, and month after month that God would bless us with a child of our own. Each night we would pray that he would equip us with the tools necessary to raise a God-fearing child that would follow His lead all the days of their life. Not a day went by that we didn't pray for our child. But every month that went by, those flaming arrows of the devil kept hitting us and we became doubtful and felt defeated. 

But God kept telling us, "Be still." So we tried. (And often failed) 

After many defeating moments and failed tests, we prayed that God would lead us to adoption if that was His plan for our family and on Thanksgiving Day 2014, God literally gave us the sign we were looking for. We knew that adoption was a road that was going to be tough and it wasn't going to be short but we knew that this is what God intended for our family. 

So we created our book that future birth parents would look at and we prayed over it. We prayed for the mother who would selflessly look at this book and the baby that she was carrying. We prayed that the baby would be healthy and happy, even if she didn't choose us. Each morning we would pray over our baby's crib that God would protect him and would bring him (or her) to us when the time was right. I (Tara) searched night and day for a birth family, because that's what everyone tells you to do. I gave myself anxiety because nothing was turning up and the doubt crept in again.

 But God said "Be still. I've got this." 

Meanwhile in South Carolina a mom was preparing her 3 children for a day at school when she began to feel sick. A doctors appointment a week later would confirm...she was pregnant and unsure of her future. She was alone in this world, just her and her kids and she knew that this baby needed a better life. 

So, despite many who told her to do the opposite, she chose to make a call to an adoption agency instead. 

She was quickly given over 25 profiles of adoptive families to look at. Before each one she would pray "God if this is the family, show me." And after each one He kept saying "I've got something better." She went through all 25 profiles and found nobody she liked. Soon she would go to the doctor to find out her son has a congenital heart defect. She felt more alone than ever. 

 But God said "Be still. I've got this." 

So she waited. She struggled, but she waited. She talked to God each night and she felt God tell her, "this is a special baby. I've got big things in store for him." But she felt defeated because she knew she couldn't provide him with what he needed. So she prayed  every night. 

The following week she received a call that an adoptive family was interested. She told herself "if this isn't the family, I'm going to have to try to raise him but I know this isn't what you want Lord." 

 But God said "Be still. Have faith. I've got this."

So she agreed to look at the profile. The last profile she would look at. July 6th was the day. 

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember waking up thinking "Lord this is our yes, if it's yours too, then let it be. If it isn't meant to be, please soften my heart for this blow." 

On July 6th, 2015 our profile was shown for the first and last time. She said the minute she opened our book that she knew we were the ones. 

Today I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with *** about her life and her family and learned of the awful things she has gone through during her life. But she told me "I may not be a church girl but God and I are close. He knows me and I know him. I know it's all led to this." 

She told me that she felt God continue to tell her "have faith, trust me." So she did. Her exact words today were "God chose Mary to carry his most precious gift in the world. But Mary had to give Jesus to the world because the world needed him. I feel like God chose me to carry one of my most precious gifts and he needs me to give him to you so that you can help him be all that he should be in this world. And I know it's going to be okay because God told me so." 

The Shield of Faith helps to protect us from the flaming arrows of the evil one. We pray that our children will grow up with their armor in tact and that it will be strong. We pray that we, as parents, will help them polish that armor and make it solid. But we also pray that their lives will be committed to God. Colton's and all of our children's lives, whether here or just a thought, have already been planned. Their paths are laid out for them by the One who put the stars in the sky. How amazingly awesome is that? He knows the (curly) hairs on their head and the freckles on their noses. We just need the faith to trust their lives to him. 

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. God has orchestrated this adoption from start to finish and he's got more in store for us. Tonight I hugged the woman who gave my child life and she hugged the one who will help him live it. 

Tomorrow (today for all of you) is the day she will leave the hospital without him. And although she knows this is Gods plan, it doesn't make it easier. So will you all please lift her up today, that she will have the Shield of Faith to trust his life to us? 

Joe and I are in love beyond words. I hope you all enjoy his beautiful cheeks and full head of hair like we do. He's truly a gift from God. 

Oh and cyndy...2015 girl!!!!!! 

The day my life changed forever

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this post. I've waited over two years to write it and now that I sit down to share it with you, I have no words.

August 28, 2015 2:38am my phone rings waking me out of a deep slumber. The phone number was unrecognizable and I was certain this was THE call. I froze, I knew it was her and I let the phone continue to ring because I was in shock. 

A text message came through almost immediately. "BAbies coming!" I woke Joe up and said "omg she's in labor! What do we do?" 

Now let's pause for a second and take a moment to think about that last question. We all know how Type A/over planned I was for this moment and I was the one asking "what do we do?" Lordy bee- 

Joe says "we get up and leave honey." Oh my stars, today was the day. 

I felt the need to shower while Joe packed the car. Thankfully we had spent the last week packing so we only had last minute things to put in suitcases. 

At 3:20am we pulled out of our driveway on the most important road trip of our lives. I think I spent the first hour or two of the trip crying and praying-praying for her safety, for his safety, that we would miraculously make it there. 

An hour later at 4:21am I got the first picture of my son. He was born at 4:15am central time, 5:15am eastern time. 

He was perfect in every way and I was immediately in love. The next 10 hours seemed like it lasted all day. Luckily it was a pretty drive and my husband knows exactly how to pass the time in the car. 

We prayed, we praised, and tried to enjoy our last few moments as a family of two. Ironically (is there really such a thing?), the song that played as we crossed the SC border was 

"And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm"

God is so good. 

We finally pulled up to the hospital at 4:25pm eastern time. We walked in to the hospital and headed to the 6th floor where we would meet the woman who would make us parents. 

We were all nervous meeting each other but we soon clicked and knew this was a match made in Heaven (truly). Then it was time to meet our boy who would be staying in the NICU for monitoring due to his Congenital Heart Defect. We had to wait for the social worker to come get us, which seemed like it took forever but she soon led us to the doors of the NICU where we washed our hands and simply waited. I remember one of the nurses saying "you're so close, you don't even know how close you are." 

Soon enough the doors opened and we were escorted to the warmer where our son laid, which happened to be right inside the door. 

Words cannot describe the feelings that I had as I looked at him for the first time. All of those emotions are flooding back right now as I write this. He was hooked up to many monitors, which tracked his heart rate, his oxygen, and other vitals but he was so beautiful. 

We weren't able to hold him right away but we touched him and kissed him and told him how loved he was. To be honest, it was an out of body experience. There were probably 8-10 other people around watching us meet him and everyone was in tears. It was truly the best moment of my life. 

Colton Joseph 

6lbs. 12.2oz

18 3/4 in. 

08/28/15 5:15am 

Suddenly all of the heartache over the past two and a half years, all of the needles, the tests, the single pink lines, the tears were all worth it. All of it was forgotten because my heart became whole. 

Later that night we were able to feed him for the first time and he opened his eyes for us. My sister was able to drive up from Gulf Shores and I was so grateful to have her there to meet her nephew. 

I can't wait to share with you the rest of our story. There's so much to share. 

Tomorrow he will be 3 weeks old and I can't imagine loving him more, but each day it seems to happen. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you. 

Finding the Beauty in the Wait

Hello again!

Let me first start off by apologizing for my absence here. I've been busy enjoying this roller coaster ride called life but I have not forgotten about you! I love blogging and have been working on several things, but I'm just not ready to share them yet. Summer is halfway over and before I know it I will be returning back to school to start my 7th....yes 7th year of teaching! My first group of kiddos will be 8th graders this year and that blows my mind! Joe and I are enjoying our time together and are soaking up every little bit of summer that's left! So here's what I have for you today:

Can I just begin by saying "thank you?" Of course I can, this is my blog so I can do what I want :) I want to say thank you to all of you who are continually praying for our sweet little family, for those that reach out for a hug just when I need it most, and for those that continue to spread our story around. God is working on our book right now and each of you are part of the pages He is writing and I couldn't be more thankful!

Unfortunately, I don't have a great deal of news to share with you...we are still waiting.

Last summer I wrote about the season of waiting I was experiencing which included tests, blood draws, ultrasounds, and far too many single pink lines and late night cries then I can count. My heart was hurting and I was beginning to doubt if I was going to be a mom at all.

For those of you that are reading this that are at that point in your journey...where you just can't seem to find the joy in daily life, I see you. I may not know you, but our God knows you and He hears you, even if it feels like He doesn't.

While my waiting is a little different one year later, it hasn't gotten any easier. I am still waiting to hold my precious baby in my arms, waiting to make a midnight bottle, waiting to rush into his/her room in the wee hours of the morning to console a cry, waiting to be called "mama."

I would be lying if I told you that this was easy, that I was doing okay, that I didn't cry at least once a week as I long to find answers, that adoption and our sweet baby wasn't on my mind each and every minute of every day.

I would be lying if I told you that I haven't considered taking out a second mortgage on our home or selling everything inside it to sign on with a larger agency so we could hold our baby faster.

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't spend time in our nursery each day, dreaming about what it will be like when laughter and cries finally fill the room.

But just like God always does, He has reminded me of the incredible beauty that comes when we wait on His timing.

My "type A" personality doesn't lend itself easily to a waiting period in which I am not in control. I've said it before and I've said it again, it's no coincidence that God is making me, Miss Plan Everything, wait for His timing.

I'm learning exactly what it means to surrender your mind, body, and spirit to the Lord. God is teaching me how to rely on Him as I navigate through this roller coaster adoption ride.

Each morning I look forward to meeting Him on my couch as I begin my quiet time and each morning it's as if He knew exactly what I needed to hear. He's showing me each and every day that His plan, not mine, is greater than anything I could imagine.

I'm training for a half marathon because running is something that I've never enjoyed (sounds like a perfect reason to begin running for "fun", huh?) and I wanted to challenge myself. Running has become such an amazing gift not only for my body but for my spirit as well, as I'm seeing what I can do when I trust the body that God has given me.

As we wait, I'm seeing just how wonderful life can be when we trust the One who has given it to us.

So today, whether you are waiting on a baby, on a marriage, on a job, a house, an answer, or whatever God has laid on your heart, I encourage you to see what happens when you stop and enjoy the life that He has given you. God has placed us in our exact situation for a very specific purpose. The Man who has placed the stars in the very sky above us has hand picked us to be exactly where we are at this exact moment. The very One who was crucified and resurrected 3 days later knows us by name and knows exactly where we are going and when.

So, while it may be the hardest thing you or I has ever done, trust in Him. Is it easy? Absolutely not! Will God answer your prayers or give you what you want right here, right now? My guess is no, but my hope is that you too will see beauty in the wait.

Side note: I've never heard this song before, but is began playing on my Pandora as I finished this post today. See...He's got this!

To our Birth Mom on Mother's Day

Dear Future Birth Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! We haven't met yet and only God knows when exactly that will be. But today, on a day that we celebrate moms, I felt it was only appropriate to write you this letter.

Mother's Day has come with mixed feelings over the past few years. I am so grateful for the moms in my life, but I have also felt that something was missing. I truly believe that something is you.

You see, you are the one that will make me a mother worth celebrating. So today, I want you to know that I celebrate you; all that you are, all that you will be, and the ultimate gift that will someday be ours to share.

Someday our paths will cross and we will forever be stitched together by a human being that we both love so much. Someone that will carry parts of each of us with them forever.

I want you to know that you are at the top of my prayer list each and every morning and that will never change. I pray for strength for you; strength in your decision to choose adoption, strength to get through the days after our child is no longer in your arms. I pray for direction; that God will lead you to us when the time is right and I pray for our relationship; that we will always love on each other and our child.

I pray that we will always celebrate this day together, even if it may never be in person and that our child will always know just how much their moms loved them.

It's hard to put into words just how much I love you and how much you mean to our family. I hope that someday I will get to show you just how much your gift means to us. But in the meantime, I will continue to pray for you, for your family, and for our child.

Thank you, to the moon and back, for the gift that you will give us...that will make me a mom, something that for so long I didn't know was even possible.

I don't know when you will get to read this, when we will meet or talk, or begin our family together, but know that you are loved...so loved and always will be. So today as I celebrate all of the moms in my life, I also celebrate you, dear birth mom.

Love,
Tara

Faithful Friday

All too often we get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life and don't take the time to sit down and truly reflect on the faithfulness of our Lord and Savior.

I am going to start a weekly blog post that reflects on God's faithfulness throughout the week-a chance for me to look back on what God has specifically done for me this week. I encourage you to do the same!

My first Faithful Friday y'all:

1- Background checks are back!

If you've talked to me in the past month- you know what a huge relief this is! About a month ago we received notification from our agency that my background check was either rejected or refused or lost in translation (ironic considering my occupation and that the extent of my "criminal" background is a speeding ticket 4 years ago)-but I digress- either way I had to go get fingerprinted.

When we began this process we were adament on getting our paperwork completed quickly, so you can imagine my frustration upon finding this out 3 months after the fact. But I did it regardless.

So we prayed for a quick turnaround-as the average time it takes the state is usually 8-12 weeks. We received word on Monday that both background checks were back and approved! Praise the Lord!

What does this mean? Not only can we present to potential birth moms-we can bring a baby home should the opportunity present itself! :)

2- First get together with my team!

I have been coaching cheer at my Alma mater for 6 years now and it has its ups and downs but I love it! I prayed a great deal about the direction God has wanted me to take regarding continuing to coach and it's been clear that I am where I need to be. We got together on Tuesday for an open gym practice and an overwhelming sense of joy overcame me. I am so thankful for the opportunity to coach and impact high schoolers, all while doing the sport I love!

3-High school reunion plans are underway!

10 years/ Holy smokes when did I get old?

4-Adoption Garage Sale Fundraiser

I will eventually write an entire post on this but-Holy guacamole is the Lord faithful! Joe and I had a crazy idea about two months ago to hold a donation sale to attempt to raise some $$ to cover fees. We put the word out and prayed that our family and friends would consider us as they did some spring cleaning. We were not even remotely prepared for the outpouring of love and support through donations we have received! I lost track of the number of families contributing around 25! People have willingly and joyfully emptied their closets, basements, and storage units to help us-to eventually bring our baby home-to help someone none of us even know!

How amazing is that?

5-18 days left of school!

Don't get me wrong-I LOVE my job-but there's no tired like end of the year teacher tired!

I always have a hard time sending my kiddos on but they're ready! Bring on summer!!

6- Running

I've picked up running again-mainly because I've set this crazy goal that I want to run a half marathon-which is 13.1 miles. I'm currently at almost two...without stopping...without dying! It's a big goal but I can honestly say that I am enjoying running. I'm so thankful for two feet that allow me to see God's beautiful creation in such an awesome way!