My battle with infertility started long before I knew it. In fact, I don't even know when it started to be honest or if it's even a thing. If you recall (The Calling to Adopt), I gave God an ultimatum...give us a sign. And he did! (The Answer) So we never really looked into it any more. We felt that God's plan was for us to adopt and not to conceive a child naturally at this time, so we followed!
But that doesn't mean that the path wasn't hard and that it didn't change me. It did exactly that...changed me, for the better.
Romans 8:18 tells us "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming."
This was one of the many verses that I mediated on while I was walking this path that I know God had laid out for me.
When you are going through something difficult, people have a hard time knowing what to say, but one of the things I heard over and over again was "this is all part of God's plan." And do you know what I wanted to do when I heard that?...smack someone because that is NOT what you want to hear. You don't want to hear that God is putting you through something awful because it's part of His plan.
But...it's the truth.
And I learned a lot about myself in the process, here are 4 things I learned while battling infertility:
1-I have a kick-butt husband:
Like seriously? Can I get a ROUND OF APPLAUSE for my amazing husband? He has been an amazing partner though all of this and has hurt right along beside me. He was my "go to guy" when it came to venting...and crying...and complaining...and freaking out and he always knew what to say. Most of all, he stuck by me when I needed him most. I recently read a study that said that couples who struggle with infertility are 3x more likely to get a divorce than those who haven't. That's HUGE! This could have ripped us apart and it did just the opposite. So thank you, babe for being there with me through all of this and more! And I guess you're stuck with me now..sorry Charlie!
2-I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
I remember one Sunday after I posted this: Why does she get babies? on Facebook, the amazing women of my church yanked me from my pew and encircled me in prayer at the front altar. I cried as their words flooded my ears and filled my heart. Cyndy read Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well." God had a plan for my life and was working on my insides before he could transform my outsides to be the mother He wanted me to be. His story is written on my heart and all I need to do is open it up and let Him write it out.
3- I am stronger than I thought I was:
Ain't that the truth? Not to toot my own horn...but anyone who has overcome an obstacle in life whether it be infertility, death, divorce, loss, or heartache, knows how hard it can be to wake up each and every morning and live your life...not just live it but live it. And while my sufferings might seem insignificant to some, I truly felt like I was at the lowest I could get. I'll be honest, there were days that I would wake up and find every excuse to not get out of bed, but I did it and I am so glad I did because I am so pleased with where I am in my life right now. I am way stronger than I ever thought I was. There were so may times I pleaded with God saying "I can't do this" and he would answer right back "Yes, yes you can...and you will" and I did.4-I don't need a child to have a purpose in life:
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. It was just part of my life plan; get engaged, get married, get a job, have kids, the end. So as I crossed things off of my "life list" that I had created in my head; I learned that things don't always go as planned. Did I plan to wait 5 years to get engaged? Nope...but thank you Joseph for making me wait and allowing me to see the value of a solid foundation of love prior to marriage. Did I plan to lose my sister-in-law 5 weeks before I walked down the aisle? Absolutely not, but it drew our family so close to each other and to God. You would think that I would have learned that God's plan is always greater but I didn't. There were times when I really and truly thought I would never be a mom and that devastated me.When I kept getting the "not now" answer to my prayers, I grew incredibly impatient but God continued to tell me be still my child. And while I was "being still" he gave me a new purpose, or rather reminded me of my purpose all along.
He reminded me that I had 20 beautiful children waiting for me each and every day in the classroom that needed me. This was a year that He would not pull me away from the classroom because I had kids that needed me, my purpose was to be with them. He needed me to be by my sister's side as she said "I do" this past weekend.
And He needed to use me so that I could help others going through the same struggles. I started this blog well over a year and a half ago to help myself cope with this infertility battle. I didn't know if I would ever get to the point that I would share it with others, let alone the entire Facebook world. When God called us to begin sharing our story, I was so incredibly nervous to put this blog out there, but I am so glad I did. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing but even more amazing are the people that I've been able to talk to and love on along the way. God's purpose in this struggle was to give me a purpose that He and only He laid out for me.
Congrats to my sis and her hubby on tying the knot! This picture just about sums up my feelings about that day! :)
