Dear hopeful mama,
Yes, you...the one who is stuck at a crossroads, who isn't understanding why God is letting this happen to you-I see you.
I see you-because I was you.
I see you at the grocery store-discreetly placing ovulation kits in your cart, under the cereal boxes just in cause you run into a person you know. I see you throwing an Early Pregnancy Test in the cart-just in case, all while telling yourself not to get your hopes up.
I see you checking your fertility tracker on your iPhone, checking for the blooming flowers, or the hatching egg, or the star-or whatever silly thing they came up to make this process "cute." I see you going through the every other day cycle-because that's "what they say is healthy- whoever "they" are.
I see you feeling every twinge, every sneeze, every heightened sense as you wonder "is this a symptom?" I see you checking it on the computer, as you read the forums that tell you "it could be" or it probable isn't." Yet you still hold on to the chance that "it is."
I cry with you as your cycle starts again and rears it's ugly head-as you have to return to the store that you were just at a few weeks ago-only now you have to walk by the EPTs and the ovulation kits to purchase tampon instead.
I count with you as the cycle repeats and you have to count the days until you can "try again"...two week increments-that's how it works, isn't it?
I cry with you as your friend from college, your cousin, and the girl from work all announce their pregnancy on the same day-you know they've "been trying" for a month, maybe two. I see you as you try not to let the jealous and bitter feeling sweep over you yet again. "Must be nice" you think.
I pray with you as you beg God for answers-ask Him "why me God?" tell him "I'll do anything" to be a mom-because you really will.
I see you as you research "ways to increase fertility" and spend hundreds of dollars on "all natural" vitamins and supplements. I see you as you muster down that grapefruit juice or that pineapple core, because they say it helps with implantation. I see you as you try everything in the book because "if it works" it'll be worth it.
I wish I could hold your hand as you lie on that ultrasound table month after month-waiting for answers, as you think about all of the women that have laid on that table and heard their baby's heartbeat-and those that did not, you wonder will that ever be me? I wish I could be there as you get poked and prodded and your blood is drawn just to "check your levels." Maybe someday you'll get to be the one at the office holding their belly-anxiously counting down the weeks until you meet your little one...but then again, maybe not-you wonder.
I see you dreading to check the mail because you know that medical bill is waiting-and that it is overdue. Send it to collections-we don't have the $2,500 to cover the blood work, the hormone test, and the ultrasound and insurance doesn't cover it because you've been given the label of "infertility."
I hear you say "in God's timing" or lie "we aren't ready just yet" when people, coworkers, family members ask that dreaded question "when's your turn?"
I see you thinking you're alone-thinking you must be the only person in the universe going through this now.
I see you-because I was you. And you, my friend, sweet Child of God who is Fearfully and Wonderfully made-are brave-you are strong-and you are NOT alone!
Thousands of women have traveled this path before you-and thousands will after you. And while that doesn't seem to help now-it will...eventually.
Nothing I say will make your hurt go away-but I want you to know I pray for you each morning, you are loved, and you will one day look back on this journey-at these months, these years-and thank God for this road because it made you who you are.
Keep praying-keep reading his word. Dig deep into yourself to find the person that God is making you into. Remember "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Sincerely,
Hopeful mama
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