originally written: October 2014

Year 3 is officially in the books ya'll! This week Joe and I celebrate 3 years together! It also will mark 9 years of dating for us!

Last year we celebrated with a trip to Chicago but this year we decided that time at home was our best bet! We traveled to Curtis Orchard in Champaign last weekend and had a blast picking apples and pumpkins and stuffing our faces with all things fall!

Love is such a beautiful thing and I love the fact that God created Joe to be my husband. He makes me laugh, even on the most difficult days and can always turn my mood around.

This year has been one that we did not see coming, but Joe has been there every step of the way and continually reminds me of God's plan for our lives.

Joe,

As we embark on this next year together, I can only pray that God continues to draw us closer through Him. You are my rock and my biggest cheerleader and you will never know how much that means to me.

This year has been so hard for us. I wanted nothing more than to give you the gift of being a daddy, but apparently year 3 was not the right timing for God. So as we continue through this journey called life, I promise to always be by your side every step of the way no matter the circumstances!

Thanks for being you!

Love,
The best wife ever

If there's a road I should walk...

Originally written: September 2014

help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever your will, whatever your will, can you help me find it? Can you help me find it?"-Sidewalk Prophets

Lord,

I know that you are pressing something on our hearts right now and I know that it would take a huge leap of faith. But God I also know that if this is part of Your plan that You will provide the will and the way.

God the last 16 months have been so hard but you have been in every moment and in every day and in every situation. You have been there comforting me and guiding me to Your plan. You have used this trial as a way to draw me closer to You. You have used this trial to strengthen our marriage and You have used this trial as a lesson in utter surrender to You.

God I pray that as we look to the future, that we will remember that You are ever present and You will guide us down the path that is meant for us, the Loyers.

God I am willing to say yes to your will. Please help me find it.

Amen.

Back to School

Originally written: August 2014

Hooray!!! It's the 2nd most wonderful time of the year!

There's something about August that makes me so giddy! I've been in my classroom several times already and am growing more and more anxious to meet my new kiddos each day!

This year I am also embarking on a new journey; that of a student teacher! She will start right after Labor Day and I have mixed emotions. I am so excited to share my passion for teaching with her, but also nervous about my Type A personality getting in the way of her creativity! :) So pray for me!

As a new school year begins and I see my coworkers who I haven't seen all summer, I would be lying if I said I didn't have some anxiety about seeing them. Don't get me wrong, I work in an AMAZING school district and a fabulous building with some incredibly awesome people, but each one of them knows this journey that Joe and I are on and I know they are going  to be wondering.

I was hoping that I could share some good news on the first day of Institute when we returned, but that's just not the case. I know they will be understanding and won't make me feel uncomfortable but the fact of the matter is, I wanted to bring them good news at the start of this year!

The latest ultrasound revealed that I still have cysts, but that the medicine is helping. However, I have a cyst on my right ovary that seems to be growing, so there is a possibility of surgery down the road. I go back to the doctor in October; Columbus Day to be exact. My midwife was on maternity leave, so I've been seeing the doctor, and I love him as well!

We also recently found out that two of our closest friends are expecting their second child. We are thrilled for them, as they are due in March of 2015!

A small part of me is feeling extremely jealous though, as they have been able to have two children in the time that we have been trying. I had a few hours where I sat and questioned why it's so easy for woman after woman that I know to become pregnant and not me. Why am I the one that has to suffer? Not that I would wish this upon anyone, but sometimes it feels as though I'm the only one going through it. Jealousy is such a nasty emotion and I wish it didn't exist. I'm trying so hard to be understanding of the plan that God has in store for me.

His word tells us in Jeremiah chapter 29, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."There is so much promise there in that verse alone and it has been a verse that I constantly pray over throughout this journey.

Today's prayer:
-relinquishing control

Gulf Shores

Originally written: July 2014

This past week Joe and I took a road trip to visit my sister and her fiance in Gulf Shores. They moved there last August and I hadn't seen her since March when my mom and I were able to spend a week there for my Spring Break.

I was looking forward to this vacation, not only because I was going to get to see Taylor, but also because I feel like I'm living my life in 2 week increments right now and I needed a break from this perpetual cycle of counting days, symptom spotting, and medication.

We left right after Joe got off work on Tuesday and made it there by Wednesday morning. We drove through the night and had a blast talking and laughing. I even had my first Waffle House experience at 3am!

Long story short...we had a blast! It was great to spend time with my entire family and swim in the ocean. There's something about the ocean that makes you really appreciate God's masterpiece.

We were able to do some wedding planning while we were down there and I know Taylor appreciated it. As always, it was hard to leave. We probably won't see her until Christmas, which is way too hard to think about. Family has always been so important to both Joe and I so the thought of only seeing Taylor and Ed 2-3 times a year just tears me a part.

Overall, it was a great vacation and it was amazing to get away from everything causing so much stress!

PCOS

Originally written: June 2014

"Well you have 15 cysts on your ovaries...but don't worry, I think it might be a good thing."

That was the first sentence my midwife told me as she walked into the room today. She has a way of telling me things and calming me at the exact same time. I believed her when she said "I think it might be a good thing." I really did.

After a 45 minute...yes, 45 minutes, ultrasound today, they found nearly 15 cysts on my ovaries. 5 on the right and 10 on the left. It was something I had never even considered before, but something I had read about on many TTC blogs. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, the most common cause of infertility among women of reproductive age.

She explained to me that I don't "fit the typical profile" of a PCOS patient, but it definitely appeared that I was experiencing this disease. Basically my body produces too much of one hormone that does not allow the follicles on my ovaries to go away like they should on most women. Instead, they turn into cysts which could burst, stay, or cause multiple other difficulties.

I left the office with a script for a medicine that is supposed to take a while to get used to. (Metformin) I have to ease my body into the correct dose, if I don't, the consequences don't sound pretty! I also immediately left the office and went to Barnes and Noble to fill my brain with as much info about PCOS as I could. I sat there for about an hour and a half before I met Joe for lunch. I bought one book and plan to read it over the next few days.

It sounds like this could be a step in the right direction once the medicine regulates these cysts.

My current prayer:
-trust

The "Next Steps"

Originally written: May 2014

Month number 12 has come and gone like I never thought it would. Throughout this whole journey, nobody prepares you for what's coming next. I think anyone who has started a family would agree with me. Whether it took you one month, six months, or in our case, 13+ months, nothing can quite prepare you for what's to come.

Back in the fall when we had been trying for close to six months, I remember going to my doctor in tears asking him "what's wrong with me?" And he simply said "for some it just takes some time." Yeah...you're telling me. He threw out that we have to be trying for a year in order for insurance to even consider covering anything. I remembered at that time thinking that a year was so far away and that there was no way that we would make it to a year without a little baby growing. Well....month 13 is here. Nothing.

Back at the above mentioned doctor's appointment, he had me make an appointment for April to discuss our next steps. Again, it just seemed so far away but I made it for Good Friday. I knew we had off of school and I knew that I wouldn't have to go because surely I would be prego by then!

Good Friday rolled around and as Joe and I prepared for our appointment, I sat down in the shower and cried. Bawled to be exact. I was mad....mad at God for making me go through this...mad at myself for being mad at God...mad at my body for doing this to me. Just. Plain. Mad. But I picked myself up and got ready and we went. Before we walked in, Joe and I sat in the car, held hands, and prayed together. For the first time, we prayed that something would be wrong, we prayed for a fix, but we also prayed for His will to be done. (Have I mentioned that I hate not being in control?)

So we walked in, hand in hand, ready to face these next steps together. And do you know what? God heard us...he heard our cry and he provided. Our midwife ordered blood work for both of us to check hormone levels and other goods, my blood work had to be done on Day 3 of my cycle...guess what day our doctor's appointment fell on? Day 2! She ordered some labs for Joe and told us "You guys will get pregnant...sometimes we make plans and God laughs." So true!

I went and had my blood work done the next day at the hospital and God willing, I didn't pass out! They called back the following Tuesday with some answers...hypothyroid. Hooray? I had no idea what it meant but she called in a script for me and I quickly called Joe to tell him the "good news." Before I had even made it back to my desk, Joe had already sent me an email with two links to articles explaining how your thyroid can mess with fertility. Boy do I love that man! We were worried about the cost of the medicine, but we knew it was something we needed to try. I went to Walmart that afternoon to pick up my script and "no charge!" were the words that the lady told me at the counter! Hallelujah!

My new favorite worship song is "Praise you in this storm"

"And though my heart is torn; I will praise You in this storm"

Month 10

Originally written: February 2014

Joe and I sat down to dinner tonight at one of our favorite places, B-Dubs. We had to get out of the house after being cooped up all weekend due to yet another Illinois snow storm. This has been the craziest winter I can remember and it's nowhere close to being over yet!

Tonight was different, though.

Tonight our dinner conversations turned to "what's next?" Today marks month number 10 of our trying to conceive (TTC) journey. Today marks month number 10 of disappointment. Month number 10 of an emotional roller coaster (I've never liked roller coasters). Today marks month 10 of asking God "why us?"

You see, I've always been a planner. I find joy in planning, I find joy in color-coding my planner at the beginning of each year so I know what I have to do and when I have to do it. Planning comes natural to me, my mother is the same way. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with! :)

Like with every other detail in my life, Joe and I sat down last April and decided we were ready to begin the process of starting our family. We had moved into a new house the spring before and had adopted our furbaby around the same time. We were content with our lives, but were ready for the next step. We have three nieces, the youngest had just turned 3 and we knew we didn't want our kids to be too far apart from their  cousins. So that was that. We were going to get pregnant and start a family.

I'm a teacher so I knew that getting pregnant in April, May, or June was perfect because I would have the baby between February and March and would be able to take the rest of the year off from school, be home with the baby for the summer and be ready to start school again in the fall. Not to mention our best friends were pregnant as well and it would be perfect because the babies would be only a few months apart! Hooray! Cue obsessive planner....

As you can imagine, things didn't work out that way.In fact, things haven't worked out in any way that I imagined them to.

Here we are 10 months later, around the time I expected to be holding a baby, my baby, in my arms, with nothing to show for it. Nothing except the emotional scars that comes form the continual disappointment of the arrival of Aunt Flow (AF) or a negative pregnancy test. Let me tell you, no one..NO ONE can prepare you for that hurt, for that disappointment that comes with this journey.

As we go through this emotional journey of trying to start a family Joe and I have grown closer to each other and most importantly to God. We know that He has a plan for us, it's easier for Joe to accept that plan than it is for me...the planner. Luckily, God continues to show me that His plan is greater than any of my plans I have concocted in my head, but it doesn't make it any easier.

As we sat at dinner tonight discussing, as we do every month, what our next steps would be, we both agreed that we would do anything at any cost to start our family. We have two more months before my doctor will begin the process of testing to make sure everything is "normal" if there is a such thing.

Until then, we wait, we try again and we keep the faith in His plan.

Here goes nothing...

Originally written: February 2014

I've never been one to publicly post every detail of my life. Sure I love Facebook, Instagram, and keeping up on Twitter, but that's mainly to keep up with others in my life. Let's face it, I like to know what's going on in others' lives. But this is different. This is a private sector, a part of my life, a part of anyone's life that seems too taboo to talk about...

As we go through yet another month of the physical, emotional, and psychological hurt of yet again not conceiving, I knew I needed a way to get out my feelings. A public display of my prayer and my cry to God to let me be a mom.

I'm not sure if I'll ever share this, but if I do, I ask for prayers. I ask for you to pray for hope, pray for strength, but most of all pray for faith in His plan. Faith that He will provide when the time is right.