Joe and I sat down to dinner tonight at one of our favorite places, B-Dubs. We had to get out of the house after being cooped up all weekend due to yet another Illinois snow storm. This has been the craziest winter I can remember and it's nowhere close to being over yet!
Tonight was different, though.
Tonight our dinner conversations turned to "what's next?" Today marks month number 10 of our trying to conceive (TTC) journey. Today marks month number 10 of disappointment. Month number 10 of an emotional roller coaster (I've never liked roller coasters). Today marks month 10 of asking God "why us?"
You see, I've always been a planner. I find joy in planning, I find joy in color-coding my planner at the beginning of each year so I know what I have to do and when I have to do it. Planning comes natural to me, my mother is the same way. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with! :)
Like with every other detail in my life, Joe and I sat down last April and decided we were ready to begin the process of starting our family. We had moved into a new house the spring before and had adopted our furbaby around the same time. We were content with our lives, but were ready for the next step. We have three nieces, the youngest had just turned 3 and we knew we didn't want our kids to be too far apart from their cousins. So that was that. We were going to get pregnant and start a family.
I'm a teacher so I knew that getting pregnant in April, May, or June was perfect because I would have the baby between February and March and would be able to take the rest of the year off from school, be home with the baby for the summer and be ready to start school again in the fall. Not to mention our best friends were pregnant as well and it would be perfect because the babies would be only a few months apart! Hooray! Cue obsessive planner....
As you can imagine, things didn't work out that way.In fact, things haven't worked out in any way that I imagined them to.
Here we are 10 months later, around the time I expected to be holding a baby, my baby, in my arms, with nothing to show for it. Nothing except the emotional scars that comes form the continual disappointment of the arrival of Aunt Flow (AF) or a negative pregnancy test. Let me tell you, no one..NO ONE can prepare you for that hurt, for that disappointment that comes with this journey.
As we go through this emotional journey of trying to start a family Joe and I have grown closer to each other and most importantly to God. We know that He has a plan for us, it's easier for Joe to accept that plan than it is for me...the planner. Luckily, God continues to show me that His plan is greater than any of my plans I have concocted in my head, but it doesn't make it any easier.
As we sat at dinner tonight discussing, as we do every month, what our next steps would be, we both agreed that we would do anything at any cost to start our family. We have two more months before my doctor will begin the process of testing to make sure everything is "normal" if there is a such thing.
Until then, we wait, we try again and we keep the faith in His plan.
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